Could YOU Date a JAV Star? Emiri Okazaki Field Report

Yep, exactly what it says on the tin. Whilst perusing the JAV Event website, I stumbled upon this event, which was not simply a fan meet experience, but a date test with now-retired JAV actress Emiri Okazaki. The premise was simple. You pay a fee and are then granted a 90-minute block of time in which you take Emiri Okazaki out on a date. You are free to do whatever you desire within the bounds of reason and the rules of Studio Apps, the studio putting on the event. And then once the date is over, you go back to the studio and Emiri gives you a grade, providing feedback on how to improve your dating skills. How could I pass up such an opportunity? Few people get a chance like this in their lives, and given how much I know you readers all would want to know how to successfully date a JAV actress, I instantly recognized how great an experience this could be.

Of course, there is one detail I want to address further before we go any further, that detail being that Emiri Okazaki is, as briefly mentioned previously, a retired JAV actress. I will not divulge any of the personal information she told me over the course of our date, but I want to make clear that, even if Emiri still posts a sexy Instagram pic now and then, she has left her JAV life behind her and is now living her best life elsewhere (even if she’s on good enough terms with Studio Apps to do an event like this). So, like, don’t be weird in the comments section. I’m not sure if I needed to clarify that, but I figured I ought to just in case.

Mind you, while I knew that Emiri was retired when I signed up for the event, I also knew that this was a woman who had once lived the high life. Fine wine, fancy clothes, and the sort of leisure activities that are far too rich for my… well, you know the phrase (don’t wanna get in trouble with S&P). As such, when I got on the train down to Tokyo, I didn’t think anything I could do would impress Emiri. I don’t have the resources of an Emirati nobleman to court such a lady as Emiri, so in the end I thought fuck it, why even try? We’d be right next to Ueno Park, I’d always wanted to ride on those swan boat things in Shinobazu Pond that you need a partner for, and I hadn’t eaten at Baskin-Robbins in ages. So, I thought, let’s take advantage of this situation and do something that I would have fun doing regardless of whether or not Emiri was present, and if Emiri gives me a failing grade, well, at least I’d have some feedback and a story to tell you all. I didn’t think swan boats and ice cream would impress a woman who’s probably eaten foie gras, but there was no need to take things seriously when I would have a neat article out of it either way.

I showed up early at the Studio Apps building to sign in and get a membership card, which I would need for the event. It was then that I ran into my first, but thankfully only serious, snag of the day. One of the agreements of a Studio Apps membership is that you will not post any photos taken with Studio Apps online. Normally the terms and conditions for fan meet events are simply that you cannot resell or use photos you take for commercial purposes (like putting them on a t-shirt to hawk). But this wasn’t an ordinary fan meet event, and we weren’t playing by the regular rules here. As such, I had to abide by this ironclad law, which is why you won’t see any photos of Emiri and myself together in this article, sadly. Thankfully Studio Apps didn’t forbid me from writing the article in the first place. But they were clear that such an article could not have any pictures in it. I apologize for this, but also hope that my descriptions of the day’s events will suffice.

When Emiri showed up we went through the regular ritual involving my height, and after confirming with her that she could eat ice cream we headed off. I figured the point of a date is mostly to talk and get to know one another, so I conversed with her as best I could on our way to the park. The weather was good. Just sunny enough to be warm but just cloudy enough that neither of us had to worry about a sunburn. And the park was gorgeous, almost as gorgeous as Emiri herself. As I’d hoped, we tarried in our journey to the pond, either to discuss things or admire the scenery. And though my Japanese was sadly not good enough for the really in-depth conversation that makes a date good in my book, Emiri did not seem to mind my lack of language skills. If anything, she sympathized, given how she had learned and forgotten English after years of disuse, and admired my clear attempts at communication even when words failed me.

Once we got to the lake we were directed to a swan boat. Ladies first, Emiri entered, followed soon after by me. And while I had been hoping to try one of these boats for years, I soon discovered that, like most things in this country sadly, they were never made with someone my size in mind. You know that scene in the Street Fighter movie (no, not that one, the bad one) where Michael Clarke Duncan, in an attempt to be sneaky, switches cars at one point? But because he’s the biggest, blackest man in all of Bangkok, not only does everybody notice him switching cars, but the cars actually lean slightly from his weight? Well, that was not too dissimilar to my swan boat experience. I had to stoop just to see out the window, and while my massive legs provided ample power to the paddles, the uneven weight distribution on the boat caused it to lean to one side, quite noticeably.

I also noticed during this time that people were smiling at Emiri and myself a lot. I still don’t know if it was due to them recognizing her, them thinking we were cute together, or them thinking what a lucky bastard I was for getting to be on a date with someone so clearly out of my league, but throughout the date the kind of attention we drew was different than the usual “Holy crap he’s so tall” attention I normally get. Honestly I can’t say I minded, all things considered.

Whilst on the boat Emiri and I paddled around the whole lake and continued our conversation. I noticed and complimented her tattoos, each of which she explained to me. And one really neat thing she explained to me was why koinobori (carp streamers) are a staple of Kodomo no Hi (I’m not using the Japanese term to be pretentious, but rather to avoid the wrath of S&P). According to Emiri, they evoke the myth of the Longmen, the Dragon Gate. A carp that seeks immortality and an ascension to dragonhood must leap up a waterfall and pass through the dragon gate. And to that end it spends a hundred years leaping against the fall’s current, slowly and slowly year by year growing stronger until at last it can finally leap all the way up to the top of the waterfall and evolve from Magikarp to Gyarados. So the streamers in turn represent the hopes people have for the spawn they celebrate on Kodomo no Hi, the dream that like the carp these hobbledehoys shall one day grow up to become badass dragons.

“Oh, I see,” I said. “Nishiki.” And Emiri was surprised I knew the term. When I explained that I knew it from the Yakuza games though, she laughed, as she was well acquainted with those games (as you all know). I also laughed and said that I enjoyed her work in Yakuza 0, especially since the bowling minigame was one of my favorites in that game. This was the only time over the course of the date we mentioned her previous work. I wasn’t sure how appropriate it would have been to bring up, so I simply decided not to discuss it. As we headed back to dock our boat, Emiri was quite surprised to learn that there are foreigners who play the Yakuza games. But after I explained to her that stories of manly men doing manly things and shedding manly tears are popular the world over she nodded sagely. “That makes sense.”

In a fit of thematic appropriateness, as we passed over a bridge on our way to Baskin-Robbins, Emiri pointed out to me that there was a shoal of koi trying their damnedest to jump up a stream, just like the legend. In this case though rather than a dragon gate, the top of this stream housed a pigeon feasting on a sandwich that had fallen off the bridge. The koi were desperately trying to get a nibble before the pigeon finished the sandwich off, but the bird could see they weren’t going to get to where it was, so it took its sweet, gloating time while the fish could only flop about in desperation.

Getting over to Baskin-Robbins took a bit of time, but we weren’t in a serious rush, and we got to walk through Ueno Park and enjoy the sights and conversation. Linguistic differences, like how pigeon and dove are only one word in Japanese (hato), but unagi and anago are only one word in English (eel), despite the distinction between such species seeming obvious to those who speak each language. Horror movies, of which Emiri and myself are both fans, and how Western horror tends to rely more on haunted locales and Japanese horror tends to rely more on cursed objects. Saigo Takamori, whose statue is in Ueno Park and which has him alongside a doggo (man loved him some puppers). We talked of many things (though never once of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, nor cabbages nor kings), and I was surprised at how much fun I was having, even if I knew that this was ultimately a business transaction and I was going to be graded at the end. With the occasional checking of my phone we soon located the ice cream shop, and, since it was part of a larger shopping mall, Emiri and I took the opportunity for a bathroom break.

As expected it took me less time to do my business than Emiri, and I dutifully waited outside since that’s, as far as I know, basic etiquette. Once Emiri returned we headed over to the ice cream shop and waited in line. We were in the middle of a bookstore, and discussed the sort of reading material each of us were interested in, and by the time we sat down with our orders Emiri was excitedly telling me about how human beings first developed agriculture, the topic of which she was reading about.

She spoke rapidly and happily, in the way one always does when one discusses a subject near and dear to one’s heart that one doesn’t often get the chance to geek out about. And though I grinned, my heart was somewhat lamenting, for the simple reason that I could only understand about half of the words Emiri was using. I sighed and told Emiri how I wished I spoke better Japanese, because even if I couldn’t understand everything she was saying, I could see that she was clearly passionate about the subject, and that it brought her joy. And at that she smiled. I’m not sure why, but it was a warm, genuine smile at my words.

We were almost out of time, so I threw away our cups and spoons and we made our way back to Studio Apps. Along the way I noticed one final thematically appropriate sight, and pointed out a tattoo parlor to Emiri, its advertisements promising full-body tattoos done in the traditional way. Emiri was like “Huh. Damn.” And I wondered if Emiri had actually met a real-life yakuza at some point in her life. I know I have, but that was a long time ago, and I didn’t know they were yakuza at the time. I just knew these rowdy lads with mad tattoos who could handle their liquor were fascinated at the sight of me and demanded I drink with them. But that’s a whole other story.

We got back just in time, and I was ready to receive my grade. Come on, Emiri, lemme hear the feedback. I can take it. Hit me!

“A-plus,” she grinned as we stood in the elevator. “You passed with flying colors.”

I blinked. Wait, seriously?

“Yep. No comments. It was a perfect date. I had fun.”

I couldn’t believe it. But then again, the whole point of this endeavor was to grade my dating skills. Emiri had no reason to lie to me or to spare my feelings. I was there specifically to be graded. But somehow, assuming I would only scrape by with a B-minus at best, I’d wound up with a full A-plus. Damn.

“Damn,” I muttered. And as Emiri dropped me off and bade me adieu, she repeated to me that she’d had fun.

So… uh… yeah.

I wanted this part of the article to be where I went over Emiri’s commentary and how you too dear reader can potentially date a JAV star. But… uh… I didn’t get any commentary in the end. So all I have to give folks here in the way of dating advice are my own speculations based on what happened.

I guess then the focus of things should be on having fun, rather than impressing your date. I chose the activities I chose largely because they were things I wanted to do, rather than things I assumed Emiri would be impressed by. And though I was willing to change things depending on her own diet restrictions, I treated the whole thing like I would any normal date.

I also kept the schedule flexible. If Emiri had been unable to eat ice cream I would have then suggested a Starbucks or some other reasonably-priced cafe. And I gave us room in the schedule to tarry and take our time, in case we wanted to check out some scenery or some carps desperately leaping towards a delicious sandwich. Instead of a clockwork plan I had more two simple bullet points that we weren’t in a rush to complete.

So maybe that’s the key to potentially dating a woman as cosmopolitan and beautiful as Emiri? Just… treat the dating process like you would anyone? I dunno. I know that this doesn’t answer the question of how one would even meet a woman like Emiri. But who knows? Maybe like in Yakuza 0, you can meet someone like her at your local bowling alley, or whatever corner of your town you like to hang out at.

I don’t know. I’m not a dating expert, and honestly I feel kind of weird even doing this kind of speculation, trying to think of what it was I did that got me such a good grade. There are a million different possibilities as to what ultimately made the date work out so well. But you know what? Leaving aside the grade, I had fun. Like Emiri herself, I just plain had a good time going out on a date with her.

So, if there’s one thing I think I will take from this experience, it’s the same thing I took from my Momo Sakura experience. If I can be attractive to a woman like Momo Sakura, and I can take Emiri Okazaki out on a good date, then I think when I go back to the States and I see a Helen of Troy across the bar, I will go over and talk to her, instead of assuming she’s out of my league. In the meantime, I’ve only got two, possibly three, fan meet events before I leave this country. So hopefully that’s enough time and opportunity to make many more amazing memories.

In the meantime, why don’t you show Emiri some love on her social media? Again though, don’t be weird! Seriously, don’t do that.

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