Pink Film Reviews - Sexy Battle Girls (1986)

So, after watching so many famous pink films that left me cold, starting with School of the Holy Beast, I decided to stop watching whatever pink films were on the Top 5 Most Famous lists I kept looking up, and instead only watch pink films that actually sounded interesting to me. School was a treat, albeit one that was a little rough around the edges, but for my next pink film, I decided to go with a movie whose Wikipedia and IMDb synopsis sounded spectacular, that film being Sexy Battle Girls.

However, one of the interesting things about Sexy Battle Girls is that the premise you read on Wikipedia or IMDb is not the actual plot of the movie. This premise is mentioned off-handedly a handful of times, but we never actually see any of the girls or politicians involved in the evil plan, and it’s never the driving force behind the story. Honestly, I’m half-convinced that the only reason this premise exists is simply to give the heroine something to do, as she and her bestie ride off into the sunset. And even then, her plan to rescue these poor, unseen girls is stated in the same, slack way you or I would state our intention of heading off to McDonald’s. No, if you want a good idea of what Sexy Battle Girls is actually about, simply check out this clip on Youtube.

Yes, that’s right. If you’ve watched enough Kenny Lauderdale videos, you’re probably familiar with the sukeban genre, and Sexy Battle Girls is simply a pornographic version of that popular genre (you might call it a sukebe na sukeban, heheh- I’ll see myself out). Whenever the movie feels the need for such tawdry things as plot or characterization, they simply go to the sukeban well and pull up some basic beats and tics to give our protagonists, though only enough to serve as connective tissue between the sex scenes.

Watching Sexy Battle Girls is a lot like watching the Superbowl, in that there’s a distinct difference between the actual game (i.e. the porn bits) and the wacky ads (i.e. the plot bits). Both are good enough for anyone to enjoy either, but when watching you will probably find yourself enjoying one over the other, and subsequently growing bored when the bits you don’t like as much start to drag on. As for myself, I confess I preferred the goofy plot, but I still could appreciate the porn parts (though I did find it hilarious that at one point I genuinely thought to myself “There’s too much porn in this porn!”).

Said porn parts are interesting, because they aren’t quite the tasteful cinematic love scenes of older pink films, but also aren’t the full-on fucking we see in modern AV. They feel like a missing link between the two, with the shots, music, and lighting being very cinematic and stylized, but the dialogue and actual sexual acts being much more akin to what we expect from a modern pornographic film. It was fascinating to watch, though I did laugh my ass off when a man pulls out his “penis”, and because of censorship laws preventing the display of an actual dick, he pulls out a very obvious rubber prop. I wish there was a picture from IMDb I could show you all, I really wish there was, but alas, I can’t actually show the rubber dick on the ZENRA site. But it’s this vermillion, rubbery prop that never actually stiffens or grows, and which doesn’t even have a hole in it! They have to have the cumshot off-camera because there’s no hole in the rubber dick for the cum to come out from! We literally show the dick, hear the man say “Oh! I’m gonna cum!” and then cut to his orgasm-face before cutting back to the dick with “cum” covering it all over. It’s hilarious.

Meanwhile, our protagonist, Mirai Asamiya, has to wear this tokusatsu chastity belt all the time, and when at last, just before the climax, she completes her training and is allowed to take the belt off completely, she stands fully naked as a fan blows on her off-camera, and she sighs wistfully as she feels the breeze on her naughty bits for the first time in her life. Unfortunately, the filmmakers couldn’t actually show said naughty bits, so the entire focus of this scene never becomes properly visible. Again, hilarious.

Now, you may be wondering, why does Mirai have to wear a tokusatsu chastity belt in the first place? Well, it has to do with the real plot of Sexy Battle Girls. You see, Mirai’s pussy is not any ordinary pussy, but a Venus Crush pussy. We never see just what this Venus Crush does to penises, but we do get to see it slice an apple into pieces, so whatever it does, it’s clearly not good. And while Mirai is very sad about having such a dangerous vagina, only wanting to have a normal life, her pater Ken will not allow it, insisting that she has to train for an important mission, upon which rides the honor of her entire clan!

What is this mission? Well, uh, we don’t know, and neither does Mirai. Indeed, she doesn’t find out until well into the film’s runtime, to the point where the mission Mirai must dedicate her life to could potentially count as a spoiler. Still, at the risk of spoiling everything, I will tell all.

You see, years ago, Mirai’s mater Susan had an affair with the Headmaster of the school Mirai transfers to, because his dick was so much bigger than Ken’s, she couldn’t resist it (somehow I have a feeling a man wrote this). Said Headmaster now spends his days standing ominously in dimly lit rooms, scowling and scheming while a fake bird rests on his shoulder for some reason (yes, the bird stays on during sex). The Headmaster bears an intense grudge against Ken for scarring his eye on the night he discovered the affair, though, I mean, no offense, but if you cuckold a guy, he finds you in bed with his wife, and then you still mock said guy’s penis while he’s right in front of you and very, very angry, you’re kind of kicking a hornet’s nest there. The point is, Mirai must infiltrate the school to get to the Headmaster, so that she may avenge Ken and her clan’s honor, and… something something Headmaster is involved in some down-low shady shit, it’s not important.

What is important is that Mirai undertakes this mission with all the glorious, cheesy delight that is to be found in the best sukeban shows. If you’ve ever thought to yourself “I wonder what a hentai anime would look like in live-action” or “I wonder what it would look like if your average sukeban protagonist used her props for sexy purposes?” then look no further. This is just the thing for you. Sexy Battle Girls is a film that knows exactly what kind of movie it is, and instead of being ashamed about it or trying to pretend it’s something it’s not, it embraces its inherent absurdity with a frenzied glee. It is a fever dream of silliness and sexytimes, and the first pink film that I can fully, unreservedly, and joyously recommend to you all. Please, I urge everyone, watch Sexy Battle Girls. It’s as wonderful as Samurai Cop, Miami Connection, and even Geteven (yes, I know, Sexy Battle Girls doesn’t have the Shimmy Slide, but I mean what I said). This film is amazing. It is glorious. It is trash, and so am I.

Have a pink film (preferably a sukeban pink film) you’d like me to review? Leave a comment down below