I Met Akari Niimura and was SOAKING WET (from the heat)

It was hot that day. That’s what still stands out to me, thinking back on it now. Japan is famous for its hot summers, but this day was the kind of day that people would remember for years to come. Yes, today is hot, they’d say, but at least it’s not as hot as that day was. And because June, the rainy season, had only just left us, the heat, far from dry, went through phases of boiling rain or heavy humidity, leaving me thoroughly drenched throughout the day. If this had been a mystery novel and I’d been a private dick, I’d probably throw in some pithy Chandlerism to describe just how muggy the day was, and my story would involve a beautiful dame I could get wet with indoors. But I think we all know that none of my stories here will ever end with me going to bed with the actresses I meet. So that day, this dick’s wetness only came from sweat and rainwater.

Still, I was there of my own volition. While I’d been to Osaka and Tokyo for fan meets before, I was eager to see what an event would be like in Kyoto. It is a lovely city, after all, and I’d be there to meet a lovely actress, Akari Niimura. The definition of voluptuous, I was determined this time to get more from her than just a simple signed photograph. Though my Japanese is good enough to attend these events, I still sometimes sound like a caveman, but I didn’t want to attend this fan meet as just a fan. The ZENRA staff has jokingly given me the pet name “field reporter”, since my niche is in attending events in-person. But I had made up my mind that this time, for this event, I would be just that, a real, proper field reporter. I thought, even with my rudimentary language skills, I could at least convey the simple question “Do you have a message for your English-speaking fans?” to Akari, as well as the question I include in every ZENRA interview, “Do you have any funny on-set stories?”. And after receiving answers, I hoped to subsequently convey them to you all here. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s return to the heat.

Like I keep saying, it was hot. So hot was it in fact, that when I showed up to the store, ice cream in hand, and I saw an employee and presented my gift to him, he didn’t ask any questions. He merely exclaimed his gratitude before showing me in and rushing to put the ice cream in the staff fridge. I don’t think he even knew I was there to attend the event at that point. He just appreciated something cool to consume.

Once inside I could see why. You see, the store didn’t actually have air conditioning. They had fans, stationed in specific corners of the shop, but unless you could get in front of one of those, you were basically stuffed. And when you remember that a store is essentially a giant concrete box, whilst outside calefactions and cloudbursts compress that concrete cage, you may begin to realize just how all-oppressive this heat was.

Still, I had reserved a ticket and successfully checked myself in, though not without a familiar pattern rearing its head when I asked the cashier to repeat himself after he mumbled something. I don’t know how universal this experience is, but oftentimes, while I’ll understand the general gist of conversations in Japanese, there will still be a stray word that I don’t know, or I would understand things perfectly if the speaker wasn’t mumbling, which prompts my asking them to repeat themselves. Sometimes I’ll repeat the one word I didn’t understand, and ask them about it specifically. And yet, every single time, people’s responses here are never to repeat that single word, or to speak more clearly, or to try to find an appropriate synonym. Instead they always panic, and, flustered, try to speak English to me. But of course, the average man on the street here in Japan has even less of a grasp on English than I have on Japanese, so this really just confuses things further, and even as I try to explain to them that no, I do understand you, I just didn’t catch this one bit of what you said, their understanding of me has already defaulted to “Doesn’t understand any Japanese at all”, and so the conversation slows to a crawl.   

Of course, I’m sure the response from most people to this gripe will be “You just need to learn more Japanese. Quit complaining and study more.” And they’re right to some degree. The easiest solution to all this would simply be to render it a non-issue by achieving fluency. I don’t bring this pattern up to complain about how people in a foreign country speak their own language instead of the language that most conveniences me. That would be boorish and rude. I simply bring it up to let you all know the basic pattern that will end up repeating itself over the course of this story.

After checking in, I still had some time, so I decided to check out the store selection. My battery was already quite low, so I didn’t want to waste too much of its power on pictures, but I can tell you that this store is the second-smallest in terms of size that I’ve been to. It’s big enough to have multiple floors, but the actual space of these floors is much smaller than what you would find in the Osaka Kaitori Maxes. Also, while I don’t know if run-down is an appropriate word to describe the place, there were some signs of wear and tear in the infrastructure.

I will say, before anyone assumes this place was a dump, that the staff were nothing but polite and accommodating. When my phone died, they were kind enough to give me an outlet at the register, giving me my charged phone back just before the event began. And even if I stumbled sometimes with my speech, I could at least demonstrate decency through my actions, such as when I helped the event staff cordon off the meet-and-greet area.

Of all the meet-and-greet areas I’ve encountered at these JAV fan meets, this was the most jerry-built. Instead of a special room or area, the staff had simply cleared out some space and put tarps over the shelves. The best they could manage in terms of cordons was a sheet of plastic that kept falling over, before eventually they settled on just a piece of tape that people would have to limbo under if they wanted to sneak in. That also fell off. Twice. But regardless of all this, I was first in line, questions at the ready, when at last the tape was permanently removed, and we were allowed in.

At first I thought the situation was going to be like the Sumire Mizukawa meet, where we all stood in line before individually being let into the area. But instead the staff had us all gather into the makeshift room and sit. Without chairs. Oh, they had three step stools, but it just wasn’t the same, and they didn’t even have a chair for you when you came up to the desk where Akari sat. You had to stand there awkwardly, or in my case, kneel down. And while the MC kept things light and breezy with his banter, it all contributed further to the sense that this was not an event the store was prepared for.

This was easily the smallest fan meet I’ve ever attended. I don’t think there were more than twenty people there, including the staff and Akari herself. But even if they were not the most glamorous circumstances to meet under, I was determined to make the most of the situation. Phone and notebook at the ready, when it was my turn to go up to Akari, I expressed my appreciation of her work, before showing her the ZENRA twitter page and explaining who I was. I then asked her if she had any messages for her English-speaking fans, and presented her my pencil and notebook to write with, assuring her that we could translate it later. I didn’t have a chance to ask my next question about her work, but when it came time for me to return, I at least had a message scrawled in my notebook, which made me feel proud.

As I sat back down, the line progressed, and the MC took the time to learn where we all were from. As a proud Kyotoite, he was upset to hear that none of us attendees actually came from Kyoto. I said that this was merely a testament to how popular Akari was, that we would all come from far and wide to see her. And she said that Kyotoites are all so reserved, they were probably too embarrassed to be seen publicly in a place like this. But the MC was still dismayed that none of his brethren had shown up.

One man who did show up though was so handsome (and had such a meaty tuck in his summer shorts) that Akari offered to suck him off right then and there (the lucky bastard!). I made idle conversation with the other attendees, until eventually the time for photos arrived. Once again, the jury-rigged nature of the event made things difficult, as they had to clear most of us out of the room to make space for Akari to stand in front of the tarps. Then when I stood next to her, I was told to get closer and closer, there not being enough space to fit me in the frame otherwise. Then I was asked to get lower and lower, like at the AIKA event. And while at that event I had space to do my troubadour pose, since that was not available here, I could only manage an awkward, cramped caricature of that stance, which amused Akari and everyone else, but made me feel lumbersome and ungainly.

If that had been the worst thing to happen at the event, things wouldn’t have been so bad. But I still had that other question I wanted to convey, if possible, and so I asked the manager if I could ask Akari an “ecchi” question. I chose that word because by “ecchi” I simply meant “related to JAV NSFW shenanigans”. But the manager assumed that by “ecchi” I meant “inappropriately personal”, and chided me for wanting to know such things. I, flush-faced, assured the manager that I hadn’t meant anything like that, and did my best in broken Japanese (one’s grasp on a language always grows looser in times of stress) to apologize for any misstep. But as I exited the room, I could hear the manager and other attendees snickering.

I know that I am not fluent in Japanese. I know that I have difficulty communicating sometimes. But I have always tried to make up for my deficiencies in the language through whatever actions I can take to make things easier for staff. I have always hoped that the impression I leave on people after these events is of someone who, even if he was not well-spoken, was a decent enough sort. But as I left that store, I couldn’t shake the feeling that in the end I had merely made an ass of myself.

Still, I got the message, right? Well, not quite. After showing it to ZENRA, I was informed that Akari had misunderstood my question, and merely written a “Thanks for showing up!” remark. So I ultimately failed to accomplish even the simplest goal I’d set for myself. When later that day I hit my head pretty badly on a low ceiling, an occurrence that happens more often than I’d like to admit in Japan, the only thought I could focus on as I reeled in pain was that I simply didn’t fit in this country.

I suppose you all want me to end this story on a happy note, tie it all up with a bow that made things worth it somehow. But I’m afraid not every story has a happy ending. Sometimes you fuck up, and there’s nothing you can do about it except not make the same mistakes twice. Still, if I may try to end things with some amusement, as I waited at the bus stop to get back home, there was a little old lady there, alongside all the other seniors and tourists waiting. At the sight of me the obaa-chan was most impressed, which is not unusual for me. But what was unusual was how the little, old lady began to feel me up, right there in front of everyone, whilst purring about how big and manly I was. When she asked if I was single, and I responded in the affirmative, she seemed truly upset. “What a waste!” she cried. It turned out I reminded her of her grandson-in-law, who’s a rough Aussie bloke and, according to her, very sexy. And while at the time, I was still so exhausted, dehydrated, and concussed that my only thoughts were simply a frustrated “Damn it, why couldn’t Akari be the one to do this?”, it seems that I cheered up this old woman’s day, so perhaps I managed to do some good in my time in Kyoto. At the very least, maybe you readers will find it amusing.